The United States Is Governed by the Ringwraiths


When the world grows sufficiently cartoonish and dystopian, science-fiction and fantasy are the only things that make sense. So, let’s make sense of the world. 

The Senate Republicans :: The Nazgul (AKA Ringwraiths)

They were kings in their own rights. Some of them were already into dark magic, but some of them were probably honest public servants; however, when they were offered access to even greater power, they snatched it. Now, they’re shadows of their former selves. They can only see the real world in vague shadows. The ringwraiths only desire to serve power. 

Bernie Sanders :: Qui-Gon Jinn

He’s affiliated with the good guys, but honestly, the good guys are actually pretty lame. They’re obsessed with outdated dogmas, oblivious to the growing threat of evil, and really stodgy. Qui-Gon Sanders believes in a more active and activist use of the Force. They’ll never let him on the Council because of his unorthodox beliefs. 

Mitt Romney :: Count Dooku

He’s disgustingly rich and could have gone to his home planet to Scrooge McDuck in his pools of money. Instead, he lumbered out of retirement to cast a foul shadow across the galaxy. At first glance, he looks like he has a principled disagreement with the Jedi. In reality, he’s just a Sith Lord with better PR. 

Donald Trump :: Saruman

From his tower, he looks down on the lowly hobbits. He’s even convinced himself he’s the biggest, baddest wizard on the planet. In reality, he’s not the final boss. He’s just another servant of greed. Also, he doesn’t pay the people who build his towers. 

Mitch McConnell :: Agent Smith

When he was first introduced, he was a loyal cog in the machine. Then, he went rogue. His insatiable hunger to grow his power has allowed him to consume the entire Matrix. Now, having devoured every inch of the system, he believes himself omnipotent. 

Stacey Abrams :: Sansa Stark

She’s got the intelligence and the personality to run the entire Seven Kingdoms. Unlike the ambitious strivers who pretend they don’t want power, she’s put her ambition on display. Give her the keys to the kingdom, y’all. She’s smarter than whichever dude is on the throne currently.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez :: Ahsoka Tano

Every time she shows up on screen, you think “this story should be about her.” She’s fun, unrelenting, and uncompromising. Also, haters wish they had swagger like her. 

Joe Biden :: Obi-Wan Kenobi

He’s never been the greatest Jedi. Not the strongest, most talented, or most cunning. He’s a loyal member towing the party line. When Yoda starts talking about balanced budgets, he balances the budget. When Yoda expands healthcare, he whips votes for the bill. He can bridge the gap from Old Republic to New Republic. 

Hillary Clinton :: Princess Leia

She never got as much as she deserved. Senator, Jedi, and the presumed heir to the throne. Why isn’t she leading the New Republic? It wouldn’t have been destroyed if you had just let her run the show.

Mike Pence :: Grima Wormtongue

Saruman’s henchmen aren’t quite as lethal or loyal as Sauron’s Ringwraiths. If obsequious proximity to power were a human being. Fawning obedience is his only personality trait. Watch your back, though. He’s got a backstabber’s heart. 

Stephen Miller :: Salacious Crumb

The little rodent thing that crawls around on Jabba the Hutt. Yep. That’s him

Barack Obama :: Batman

He’s a hero, for sure. But his stubborn morals prevent him from truly vanquishing the bad guys. He can save you time and time again, but the villains will always come back. Look how crazy Obama has made Gotham.