ted cruz

Ted Cruz Is The Only Human Expelled From the Matrix and 101 Other True Facts


Here is a collection of facts that pertain to Texas Senator Ted Cruz. The Colloquial Staff spent minutes researching these and believe them to be actual factuals. We offer these without pretense or judgement.

  1. Ted Cruz is the candidate after President Snow’s own heart.
  2. Ted Cruz is what happened when Republicans tried to replicate the Captain America serum.
  3. Ted Cruz once performed “Silence of the Lambs” as a one-man show.
  4. Ted Cruz is actually just very bad Marco Rubio cosplay.
  5. Ted Cruz just put in a sizable offer to buy all 4 New Orleans Civil War monuments for his personal collection.
  6. Ted Cruz cosplays Captain Needa.
  7. Ted Cruz is actually just two angry children in a rather unconvincing disguise.
  8. Ted Cruz thinks Selma is one of those movies where the main characters are the bad guys.
  9. Ted Cruz is like Skynet’s first attempt at a terminator. 
  10. Ted Cruz is to human as McChicken is to chicken.
  11. Ted Cruz is what happens when you cross the streams.
  12. Ted Cruz is what happens when you forget a can of biscuits in your car during the summer.
  13. Ted Cruz was produced on the same machines that produce the McRib.
  14. Ted Cruz has a personal vendetta against the truth.
  15. Ted Cruz once had a complete vertebrae-ectomy.
  16. Ted Cruz turns off Star Wars before it ends because the good guys lose. 
  17. Ted Cruz glued his eyebrows to his hairline so he’d never lose sight of Obama. 
  18. Ted Cruz’s blood can be transfused with lukewarm cheese dip. 
  19. Ted Cruz thinks Kylo Ren makes some pretty good points. 
  20. Ted Cruz banned his wife from breastfeeding; he doesn’t believe in a free lunch. 
  21. Ted Cruz takes the form of whatever container he’s in. 
  22. Ted Cruz ate the soup while volunteering at a soup kitchen. 
  23. Ted Cruz is not to be fed after midnight. 
  24. Ted Cruz is a byproduct of fracking.
  25. Ted Cruz sleeps hanging upside down.
  26. Ted Cruz is made in the same factory as Silly Putty. 
  27. Ted Cruz can regrow lost limbs. 
  28. Ted Cruz is an old wives’ tale to scare children.
  29. Ted Cruz will just follow you home if you feed him. 
  30. Ted Cruz got fired from volunteer work.
  31. Ted Cruz is liquid at room temperature. 
  32. Ted Cruz walked 6 miles to school, uphill both ways — everyone else rode the bus. 
  33. Ted Cruz can’t touch silver.
  34. Ted Cruz can spin his head 360 degrees. 
  35. Ted Cruz is 90% store brand pancake syrup.
  36. Ted Cruz ate fruit once.
  37. Ted Cruz voted for Joffrey in 2012. 
  38. Ted Cruz watches Birth of a Nation and takes notes. 
  39. Ted Cruz has a signed photo of him and Ramsay Bolton on his desk. 
  40. Ted Cruz originally thought Kill Bill was a movie about the Clintons.
  41. Ted Cruz worries New Mexico is too much like the old one. 
  42. Ted Cruz filed for divorce because his wife married a Latino. 
  43. Ted Cruz ate falafel one time and tried to wiretap himself. 
  44. Ted Cruz thinks Lincoln had it coming. 
  45. Ted Cruz’s head is a geometrically perfect cube. 
  46. Ted Cruz writes Jabba the Hutt fanfiction. 
  47. Ted Cruz believes lower taxes could have prevented the War of the Five Kings.
  48. Ted Cruz has photos of Reagan instead of mirrors. 
  49. Ted Cruz is the inspiration for 6 different species of Pokemon. 
  50. Ted Cruz doesn’t feed his pets because he doesn’t believe in entitlement programs. 
  51. Ted Cruz cosplays Peter Pettigrew so well he’s actually in several scenes. 
  52. Ted Cruz has prehensile cheeks. 
  53. Ted Cruz’s campaign advisor is Grima Wormtongue.
  54. Ted Cruz can’t read.
  55. Ted Cruz has vocal cords in his nose. 
  56. Ted Cruz is a rejected Batman villain made flesh. 
  57. Ted Cruz loses his elasticity after several washes. 
  58. Ted Cruz has a recurring nightmare minorities will treat him the way he treats them. 
  59. Ted Cruz’s original campaign slogan was “this might hurt a bit.” 
  60. Ted Cruz is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be unnatural. 
  61. Ted Cruz floats down here; we all float down here. 
  62. Ted Cruz believes dark matter is a socialist movement.
  63. Ted Cruz was briefly married to a Mossberg 12-ga shotgun. 
  64. Ted Cruz is actually an advanced scientific experiment to animate marshmallow fluff. 
  65. Ted Cruz is what happens when the ooze that created the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles lands on a jellyfish.
  66.  Ted Cruz was once bitten by a radioactive meme.
  67. Ted Cruz can be whipped in a food processor to form a flavorful meringue. 
  68. Ted Cruz is what happens if you rehydrate beef jerky.
  69. Ted Cruz is actually just a vaguely human shaped compost pile. 
  70. Ted Cruz can’t see you if you don’t move.
  71. Ted Cruz tried to keep the One Ring for himself.
  72. Ted Cruz is a golem built by Newt Gingrich.
  73. Ted Cruz is just Tom Cruise trying to diversify his audience. 
  74. Ted Cruz is Frieza’s final form. 
  75. Ted Cruz is just Lex Luthor seeing how far he can go before Superman shows up.
  76. Ted Cruz is looking for a second opinion on whether “black lives matter.”
  77. Ted Cruz thinks Atticus Finch was a good-for-nothing troublemaker. 
  78. Ted Cruz’s eyebrows are autonomous beings.
  79. Ted Cruz blesses America when you sneeze.
  80. Ted Cruz congeals when refrigerated. 
  81. Ted Cruz is actually just a rogue algorithm running worst case scenarios. 
  82. Ted Cruz once had an enema and shrank to subatomic size. 
  83. Ted Cruz can be treated with generous dollops of Preparation H.
  84. Ted Cruz dehydrates if you pour salt on him. 
  85. Ted Cruz is actually a small lizard with a rudimentary mech-suit.
  86. Ted Cruz is a rejected early prototype for Marco Rubio.
  87. Ted Cruz is just Carlos Mencia playing an elaborate and unfunny joke. 
  88. Ted Cruz is the version of Siri created specifically for Sarah Palin.
  89. Ted Cruz is Krampus. 
  90. Ted Cruz stole Marco Rubio’s lunch money last week. 
  91. Ted Cruz is actually just a wax statue slowly melting.
  92. Ted Cruz is luncheon meat over a metal endoskeleton.
  93. Ted Cruz is the official GOP response to Frosty the Snowman.
  94. Ted Cruz once googled “how to human.”
  95. Ted Cruz surgically removed his neck so he can never turn to the left. 
  96. Ted Cruz is the Canadian equivalent of dumping nuclear waste. 
  97. Ted Cruz practices looking concerned in the mirror. 
  98. Ted Cruz has an A+ voting record from Hydra. 
  99. Ted Cruz is a fully-automated Mr. Potatohead 
  100. Ted Cruz writes legislation in Comic Sans. 
  101. Ted Cruz manifests if you say his name three times in a mirror.