“Rich Girl” is the Perfect Song


In 1967, Daryl Franklin Hohl met John William Oates in the service elevator of the Adelphi Ballroom in Philadelphia, PA. They were both heading different bands at the time and participating in a battle of the bands when two rival gangs got into a fight at the venue that erupted in gunfire. That has to be the best way a musical duo has ever come together. How did Simon and Garfunkel meet? They were just in elementary school together, and formed the doo-wop group, The Peptones. Lame.

Regardless of what The Rolling Stone believes (The Righteous Brothers? Really? “Rock and Roll Heaven” is an imperfect song), I would definitely consider Hall & Oates within the top 20 musical duos of all time. They have six Billboard #1 hits (Simon and Garfunkel only have four), and have the most top 40 singles by any duo.

As we have demonstrated before, it is possible to scientifically prove that a song is perfect. There are a lot of measurements that can be used to determine the objective perfection of a song but it only needs to meet or exceed a certain number of those rubrics to be christened as perfection. A perfect song needs to have a moral code, good search engine optimization, and allow you to cuss in front of your mom. 

Keeping these metrics in mind, let’s examine Hall & Oates first #1 single of their career, “Rich Girl”.

Provides a Good Moral Lesson or Allegory

The lyrics of the song are a modern day proverb. The song was actually inspired by an ex-boyfriend of Hall’s then partner who was the heir to a massive fortune, but he changed the gender to write it as a break up song (although it is interesting to imagine the original lyrics to “Rich Guy”). The song encourages the listener to take personal responsibility for their actions and failures rather than using generational wealth to shield themselves from consequence. This is a lesson a lot of the rich and famous of today could learn from, and then maybe stop complaining about “cancel culture”. It’s a bitch, girl.

Has Good SEO

I think we can safely assume that this song probably has the same focus keyphrase as this article you are reading does, rich girl. In order to optimize your content, you need to have your focus key phrase in your title, in your opening paragraph, and multiple times throughout your piece for clarity. Check, check, and check. Not only is the title of the song “Rich Girl”, but they also fit it into the very first line, not just the first verse. As far as multiple mentions go, if you count Oates’ backing vocals, they manage to fit over 15 instances of the phrase in a song that lasts just shy of two and a half minutes. That is just terrific optimization and brilliant forward thinking for 1976.

Let’s You do a Cuss in Front of Your Mom

This is a really important factor in its universality. Some of you reading this are thinking, I cuss in front of my mom all the time, or there are plenty of other songs that my mom loves that allow me to cuss in front of her. Those are both valid thoughts, but if we have learned anything in 2020, it is that we should not always center ourselves in every narrative. Few musical acts have the broad mom appeal of Hall & Oates. Their approachable bad-boy persona and soulful harmonies are beloved by all moms, which gives you a free pass to fit in a handful of b-words while you sing aloud with the woman who brought you into this world. She’s just excited to bond over the funky tones of the “blue-eyed soul” kings with her children.

Bonus Points: Has an Emergency Hotline

If you are in the US (or if you aren’t and don’t mind spending a ton of money) there is Callin’ Oates, an emergency hotline for all of your Hall & Oates needs. Dial 719-266-2837 (719-26-OATES)  and press 2 for “Rich Girl”.

Final Score 17.5/15

When bonus points are factored, this song is in the rarified air of absolute perfection. Check the science, you know I’m correct.