Pete Davidson is Rasputin


Rasputin never died and has reinvented himself as a hokey comedian instead of a faith healer. Pete Davidson is Rasputin. This realization occurred to my wife thanks, in part, to the You’re Wrong About podcast. Driving from New York to Alabama last December, we decided to kill some time by listening to the hosts break down the misconceptions of the Romanovs. Let me be clear, there is no connecting Pete Davidson to the murder of the Romanov family over 100 years ago. Well, that’s if you believe Pete Davidson is who he claims to be. 

You’re Wrong About is a podcast hosted by journalist Michael Hobbes and writer Sarah Marshall. For the Anastasia episode, they are joined by journalist Dana Schwartz who also hosts her own podcast Noble Blood. It doesn’t take these three more than 20 minutes to fully describe the Pete Davidson of early twentieth century Russia. “He looks like the creepiest ghost in the world…He looks badly photoshopped….He must have been really charismatic” and plenty of other comments about how incredibly uncomfortable and out of place he looks amongst the beautiful aristocracy. 

That pretty much fits most first impressions of Pete Davidson and whichever incredibly attractive starlet he has been photographed alongside. So, how could someone like Pete continue to find himself surrounded by a who’s who of Hollywood stars? Surely the charisma of a comedian is enough, right? Charisma was the main defense of a certain early twentieth century Russian as well. But there is one other rumor that tends to follow Davidson around. According to Ariana Grande and Machine Gun Kelly, he is quite well endowed.  

It was that rumor that jumped out to my wife  when we got to the 15 minute mark of the previously mentioned podcast episode. “It’s very very large…Do you really think Rasputin could do what he did just because of a large penis? Plenty of people have large penises and they don’t infiltrate royal families…” Yeah, that’s true for Pete too. Plenty of guys have large penises, but they aren’t always seen dating Kate Beckinsale and Kim Kardashian. 

The logic is obvious. Rasputin was known to have been hard to kill. He was stabbed, shot, poisoned, hanged, and finally drowned. Some conspiracists believe that he was actually an immortal known as the Count de St. Germain who faked his own death and helped coordinate the fall of communism while living in Los Angeles. Wouldn’t it make sense that after learning the ins and outs of Hollywood he could easily reinvent himself as a do nothing comedian influencer? Rasputin still walks among us disguised as Pete Davidson.