A Response to Coach Tuberville’s Trash Captiol Defense

On Sunday January 3rd, Coach Thomas Hawley Tuberville, AKA Tommy, was sworn in as the junior senator from my home state of Alabama. A Florida resident and Arkansas native, his only tie to the state of Alabama, was a coaching stint at a smaller public university on the far eastern side of the Yellowhammer state, practically in Georgia. Still, Coach Tuberville managed to unseat the incumbent Democrat and person with actual practical experience, Doug Jones, in the 2020 general election. 

Since most of his experience comes from the coaching tree rather than public service, and he insists that’s a good thing for democracy, I must insist that we at least treat him, if not all politicians, like college football coaches. Welcome to the US Capitol message boards.

—

@snowflake666

I know it’s only been one week, but I don’t care what the buyout is we need to fire his ass NOW! It took barely anytime for a crowd of “Stop the Steal” yahoos to completely overwhelm the Capitol defense and run through our ass like shit through a tin horn. 

Just look at the Coach’s defensive history! According to SP+ his defense at Cincy in 2016 was 53rd and at Texas Tech in 2012 it was worse than that, a paltry 58th! I know what you’re thinking, what about at Auburn? In the year he got fired (2008 Iron Bowl 36-0, we didn’t forget, Tommy!), the defense was 18th, but the offense was 94th, which brought the total SP+ rating down to 64th. That means even if he gets all this capitol defense figured out he ain’t gonna be able to pass legislation for shit.

I’ll hang up and listen.

—

@beefshart

Tommy Tuberville couldn’t coach his way out of a paper bag. Be prepared for our recruiting classes to completely go in the toilet.

—

@QueenElizabethII

Why don’t you go retweet your favourite president you dumbo-eared ass-clown.