Throughout February, in his capacity as Dark Lord of the Space Force, Darth Brandon shot down a bunch of mysterious balloons. The Department of Defense said the first balloon was a Chinese spy device. Then, Lord Brandon used his technological might to destroy a bunch of other stuff flying over rural America. What were these things? The “evidence” and “basic logic” suggest they were random drones and weather balloons and such. But, is it possible they were aliens? Not only was it possible, it’s almost a definite. In fact, I’m willing to say they were definitely aliens. In honor of the balloon aliens, I want to point out a few people who are almost certainly extra-terrestrials.
1. Blake Masters (R-Korriban)
Just look at him. I mean, really look at him. Look at that plasticky skin, those non-expressive eyes, that clearly artificial smile. He looks like Gepetto had a turn of bad luck and decided to animate a mannequin.
It’s also worth noting he’s some kind of protege of Peter Thiel, a fascist cyborg who even Elon Musk thinks is kind of creepy. Clearly, Thiel is researching alien technology in order to create a more realistic cybernetic organism. Masters ain’t it, though. Dude isn’t human-passing.
2. Anya-Taylor Joy
Don’t get it twisted; she’s gorgeous and talented, but she ain’t a human. Some advanced civilization clearly sent her here to be some kind of spy. The guise of a beautiful woman is the best way to glean information from thirsty dudes. However, they missed the mark by a little bit. Her eyes are too far apart, her cheekbones are too pronounced, neck is too long and slender.
I think if you’re honest with yourself, you’ll admit that you have always suspected she’s an ET. I think you’ll also admit that you don’t care. That means their plan is working. She’s also employed at CNN under the moniker Melanie Zanona. I don’t understand the play, but it’s definitely sketchy.
3. Ted Cruz (R- Wonka’s Factory)
We’ve been over this. Whatever Ted is can’t be replicated on Earth.
4. Lebron James
Lebron James is definitely an alien because of all the ways in which he attempts to appear human. He has that wonky hairline that he very obviously attempts to cover up with a patch of welcome mat. He has lately started taking a few weeks off each season for “injuries.” But, come on. Every once in a while, the mask slips and he does these types of things. He’s supposed to be 37 years old, and he’s acting this way. I’m 34 and I’ve been washed up for at least seven years. I call shenanigans.
Possibility: Keanu Reeves
There’s a distinct possibility Keanu is an alien. Now, don’t get me wrong; I’m not suggesting he’s human. No, no, far from it. I just don’t know what he is. There are several possibilities: Earth’s representative on the Galactic Council, the world’s oldest vampire, one of the nine Taoist Immortals, the Highlander, an advanced automaton. Because I can’t pin down exactly what he is, I can’t be certain he’s an alien.
We have to assume these are some kind of vanguard. Personally, I suspect Masters and Cruz were sent here as a test, a test that we as a species have failed. I shudder to think what comes next.