2023 politics

The Colloquial 2023 Politics Predictions

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We’ve reached the Year of Our Lord Two-Thousand and Twenty-Three. Year Two Thousand Seven Hundred and Seventy-Six since the Founding of Rome. Year One Thousand Four Hundred and Forty-Four since Muhammad and his day-one homies fled from Mecca to Medina. 

Here’s what’s definitely going to happen.

1. The Downfall of DeSantis

Ron DeSantis looks like a buffoon in go-go boots. Is that enough to sink a capable administrator? Is presidential politics really so superficial? Yes and yes. The true effect of any bout of violent dweebishness is not the act in a vacuum; the damage occurs when it confirms what people already think about you. In 1984, voters thought Dukakis was a doofus. Then, he put on that tank helmet and confirmed it. DeSantis is an oddly-shaped automaton with a malfunctioning charisma chip. Expect more puss-in-boots moments. Ultimately, they’ll sink his presidential ambitions.

Prediction: DeSantis wins Iowa, plays close in New Hampshire, and gets dragged in South Carolina. He’s back in Florida by Super Tuesday. 

2. The Most Expensive Senate Race in History

Special elections are the overtime of spectator politics. Special elections occur in response to vacancies. In this case, a year before a presidential election, the special election will likely occur because of the death of a sitting legislator. I won’t be so gauche as to predict who it will be, but in our gerontocratic system, we’re always dancing with disaster. 

The special election, probably around November 2023, will be seen as a test of might for presidential contenders. Every Republican primary candidate will be eating fried food in diners and shaking hands with coal truck steel miners. Every aspiring campaign staffer will be hollering into a cable news camera. It will be an absolute zoo. 

Prediction: The most expensive Senate (maybe House) race will end in utterly predictable fashion: either a Republican wins a red state or a Democrat wins a blue state. The cable news haircuts will pretend the result can be used to predict the next World Series, Super Bowl, and lunar eclipse. 

3. Biden Runs Again

I truly believe Joe Biden planned to be a one-term president. He knows how old he is. But then, he found himself clothed in immense power. He swaggers across world stages, people stand when he enters, celebrities want to meet him. A literal f**king band plays theme music when he walks into a room. Dark Brandon ain’t riding off into the sunset. 

Prediction: Dark Brandon announces his re-election some time around mid-February. Early January will be filled with randos like Marianne Williamson opening their third eyes and envisioning themselves as president. Any serious contenders will be paralyzed by Brandon’s indecision. The haircuts on the news will pretend there’s a clamor for Biden; he’ll jump in to save the world again. 

4. With Nothing Else to Do, Liz Cheney Will Discover Everyone Hates Her

Liz Cheney is lawful evil. She’s wrong about civil rights, the economy, poverty, healthcare, military strategy, fashion, sports, potato salad, etc. But, she’s rightly opposed to insurrection. So, she’s earned some respect from Democrats and the tens of Never Trump Republicans. Because politicians first must fool themselves, she’s likely come to believe that someone (anyone?) likes her. She’ll run for president. 

Prediction: Haircuts in the media and Never Trumpers who are violent racists but mostly don’t break the law will hail her as the savior of the GOP, America, and the Navi people. She’ll never poll higher than 3%. She’ll stick around through the year but only for the sweet sweet book deals. 

Bonus Prediction: Her book will be entitled A New Birth of Freedom: My Fight For the American Constitution. 

5. Impeachment

No, not Dark Brandon. The cooler heads in the GOP blabbering class will be able to convince a majority of the House GOP caucus that impeachment of Biden won’t work. Margarine Taylor Green, Matt BigFace Gaetz, and the usual clown will introduce the articles, but they won’t go anywhere. Instead, Trump’s Kevin will settle on a cabinet secretary you’ve never heard of. I’m guessing DHS Secretary Mayorkas, a man so anonymous he could introduce himself to you in line at Target and you still wouldn’t recognize him. 

Prediction: The Mayorkas impeachment will narrowly fail in the House. By successfully whipping 8-12 Republican votes, House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries will somersault to superstar status.